Uni blues…sing it sister!

21 Apr

I’m pretty sure my uni is trying to kill me…

Mummy and Caterina grad

Let me try not to overstate this. My uni is trying to kill me. It lured me into ANOTHER Masters course, tricked me into a first year exemption (that contained all the basics I would need for this year) and then charmed me with information sessions containing delicious finger foods and cohorts and academic staff that immediately loved and aspired to be like.

By the time I realised I might be a tad in over my head, it was too late to back out. Call it ego, call it pride, call it the scholarship I’d been awarded, call it stubbornness, call it self-destruction, call it an inability to not be busy (my husband insisted I add that one in), call it an endless obsession with eventually becoming a Doctor of something and then teaching writing courses while writing bestsellers myself…

Call it what you will.

The bottom line is that I am drowning and failing and this is not something I am used to. I normally do really well at things. I tend not to put my hand up for anything I’m not good at. What is happening? Who am I?

Now I am faced with an incredibly difficult decision. I could either:

1. Withdraw from the course and start over mid-year in the first year of the course;

2. Switch to part-time, lose the scholarship but be able to take my time and do my work properly and to the standard I want it to be done;

3. Quit, and never look back;

4. Buck up and just get stuck into it. I have already done so much work. Why stop now, and have it all be for nothing?

Jo grad

My grand master plan this year (pun intended!) was to drop my children off at school each day after feeding them a wholesome breakfast I had lovingly prepared in a relaxed way because I had soooo much time up my sleeve due to my new habit of waking up early, go home, do all my uni work and regular work, be done by the time they get home, spend a blissful afternoon taking them to all their activities, feeding them a wholesome dinner I had lovingly prepared in a relaxed way because I had sooo much time up my sleeve thanks to the magical fairies that do my housework, send them to bed and then watch reality TV while drinking tea.

SO NOT HAPPENING.

Everything has become a big scrambled mess and the main reason is because I don’t really know where do begin with all my uni work, how to do it, how to track it and I am so scared of mucking up I’m just avoiding it and not spending enough time on it.

I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to buck up. Anything else and I just couldn’t live with myself. I want to redeem myself to my supervisor and superiors and after the year is complete they will marvel at how quickly I caught up and how much I improved. Or…I’ll will scrape through and try and make the best out of it. Maybe they’ll let me enter the PhD program out of pity. Maybe they’ll let me clean the room in which the PhD students study.

It remains to be seen.

I never expected a Master of Research to be easy, but I did expect that I would know what to do and be happy to do it. I didn’t expect it to be such a mental feat. That’s despite hearing endless accounts of how research and PhD programs are really really hard and yet, so so rewarding.

To everyone who congratulated me on getting into the program at my dream uni, to everyone I encouraged to do the same, I stand by my decision to continue my education and I still encourage anyone who is thinking about it to do the same.

It’s sink or swim time. I plan to swim, even if it is a awkward doggy paddle as opposed to my cohorts who seem to be executing an effortless breaststroke.

Wish me luck. x

Have you ever bitten of way more than you can chewed, and made it out alive?

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