Stopping an addiction is like lifting a sheet from a mirror

15 Nov

Stopping an addiction is like lifting a sheet from a mirror and looking yourself in the eye shouting, “Who are you! Who are you?”

I make quite a few questionable choices in my life (getting married before dating many/any others, starting a new uni course with three children under ten) and beginning a new eating plan on the day FOUR major university assignments are due is another clunker on my part.

I am feeling every single little bit of stress, worry, uncertainty and doubt that comes with completing an assignment and sending it off to be judged, marked and assessed by someone who doesn’t factor you feelings into the process. Times that by four. And being a Creative Writing course, I feel like the very base of my existence (expressing myself through words) is being judged. You, Jo are a FAIL, a PASS, a CREDIT, a DISTINCTION, a HIGH DISTINCTION. Not my work, me.

I have friends who have dealt with addictions. I use food to control/numb my feelings. Friends have used food, alcohol, drugs, sex, work. I’ve read about people who pull their eyelashes out, who chew their nails. We all have something we do. No-one has their shit together as much as they want you to believe.

Laying yourself bare without a crutch is the ultimate act of bravery because you do have to face every single moment of your life both good and bad, happy and sad, bored and exciting. You can’t eat badly forever, you can’t get drunk every night, you can’t use drugs for a prolonged period of time, you can’t travel forever (or can you?).

I’ve always thought that you have to be happy on your own, with no crutches before you can bring your best to a long-term relationship, parenthood, even to your choice of career. Do you constantly fill your days with busy-work? Can you sit still? Can you enjoy a long conversation with a friend? Can you disagree with your partner without it becoming a deal-breaker?

My husband changed from night-shift to day-shift this week and forgot to tell me. I know. Stoopid. He does this. He tells me everything except the part I really need to know. There I am expecting him at 1pm so I can go to work and he’s not due until 6pm. To say I lost it is an understatement but after I had a go at him on the phone I was over it. It was what it was. He arrived home, we moved on. He didn’t feel the need to feel hurt and I didn’t feel the need to eat an entire bag of chocolate bullets (should licorice be eaten any other way?).

The Lite n Easy macaroni cheese is as divine as it always has been.It was my dinner and my eating is done for the day. That’s it. No stress-eating allowed. I know, mac and cheese isn’t a typical weight loss food but at the risk of repeating myself or sounding like a walking billboard, Lite n Easy teaches you how to eat normally without feeling deprived. You’ll be a bit hungry than usual for the first few days but you’ll quickly adjust.

I have sent in two of my assignments, I have almost finished the third and then the biggest assignment, the worst, will see me staying up until way to close to midnight editing editing editing. It’s due before midnight. My hands are about to spasm, as they did when I wrote my first (and only) book. I can do it, I can  do it, I can do it (WITHOUT MINT CHOCOLATE).

La Dolce Vita,

Jo Abi

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